good-lace's Diaryland Diary


Depression rears it's head

The doctor said "there's still some activity in your right breast." I sat there stunned, not saying a word. He said "I know you don't want to hear this, but you told me not to bullshit you, right?" Yes, that is right.

Another mammogram, another untrasound and another test with that radiation injection. I'm so freakin' sad.

I got on Wellbutrin today. I went in to see my GYN and I told her that I have a wonderful husband, who happens to be my best friend; I have the house of my dreams. Everything seems to be falling into place and really looking up, so why is it that I have no energy and no enthusiasm. I'm not sleeping very well. Sometimes I feel like I'm flat lined. No high highs, no low lows. The worst feeling is like I'm going through life with white knuckles. Constantly holding on.

She said if there was rhyme or reason to my depression, then I would just deal with it and get over it like usual. This makes no sense. I'm just blah.

I did crack her up. She asked if I had any suicidal thoughts. I said "are you kidding? I barely have the energy to keep putting one foot in front of the other, much less being creative enough to think up a suicide plan. I promised her if that thought ever came to my mind I'd call her immediately. It's not about dying at all. It's about living, well.

Maybe my psyche is just crashing. In the last 8 yrs. I've lost my mom, my sister, my brother, my nephew's baby, my other nephew got murdered, my ex-mother-in-law died in my living room. (I think a few more that I can't remember at the moment.) I got a divorce and I got remarried. Even buying a house is in those top 10 stress producers, along with births, deaths, divorces, marriages, new jobs and medical situations. I've had them all in the past few years. Over and over again. I guess my heart and my psyche are just tired. That's how I feel.

Oh, and I forgot to mention, the agency I hired to find me a new job has called me 4 times today. I think they have a great prospect for a new job. Could it come at a worse time? What if I need to take time off to deal with this "activity" in my right breast?

8:37 p.m. - 2004-04-26


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